Silence Singes
by lowi
Summary: It's easier to be quiet, Scorpius thinks, easier than explaining all of those damned feelings. /Freeverse /OTP Boot Camp /Prompts, oh, Prompts /For Summer /Rated because of language


_A/N: This is written for the OTP Boot Camp Challenge (OTP: AlbusScorpius, prompt #16, _Silence is golden_), a thread found at the HPFC forum._

_It's also written for the Prompts, oh, Prompts thread at the NGF forum, the set of April 28__th__, 2012, which included the following prompts (as well as the pairing): _this too, shall pass_, _dissever, brain, "Can you speak German?"

_Many thanks to my brilliant beta-reader __mew-tsubaki__._

_Dedicated to __unwrite__._

* * *

**Silence Singes**

_Hush_, Scorpius  
don't speak  
or or or  
you'll spill it ALL  
you'll tell everything from how to when to why

you'll say  
"I love you" in that way that makes *fireworks* dance in front of my eyes  
whenever you smile"

you'll say  
"I've loved you so since we were fourteen  
when you said that I was your BEST friend and that  
I should never  
**ever**  
leave you"

and you'll say  
"I love you because  
you're A.L.B.U.S"  
_?isn't that enough?_

So _shh_, boy  
you don't want him to hear that  
do you?

you don't want your **most** secret  
(secret)  
to be left out  
to him  
to **him** whom it's all  
a-b-o-u-t

So when Albus looks concernedly at you  
["What's up?"]  
you say nothing  
nothing that _means_ something  
nothing that _tells_ something  
because it's better to be quiet

even though this quiet is making you feel as though you will  
b!u!r!s!t  
and e*x*p*l*o*d*e  
_Wouldn't that look funny?_  
blood all over the place  
and Albus crying over you  
thinking of how he regrets never **ever **telling you how he loved you

…stop daydreaming, Scorpius  
Albus is waiting for an answer

You cough and say that nothing's up  
and think of how if things were **different**  
you could have said something dirty there instead  
and how he could have laughed at you  
and pressed a kiss to your cheek

But that would (will) never **ever** happen  
because when you've said nothing  
Albus nods and your eyes meet and then  
there's something in them that looks slightly unfamiliar  
but then it's not there a.n.y.m.o.r.e

(though you will savour that moment  
for now  
and bring it back when you're alone  
d/i/s/s/e/v/e/r it  
think of all it could mean  
and push away the idea that  
it doesn't mean something)

and he is back to being your BEST friend  
and you're back to his

Just as it should be  
you shutting up  
him not noticing a thing

One day  
one of those {silent} days  
filled with BABBLE and LaUgHtEr  
but still {silent} when it comes to those things that you **desperately** want to be  
SHOUTED out to the world

That day  
one of the Scamander twins bumps into you  
he's just llooonnngg legs and tatangngleled hair  
and you can't tell whether it was intentional or not  
but when his cheeks go red  
and Dominique Weasley giggles like !m!a!d! behind him  
you don't think it was  
you ask him if he's all right  
with a {quiet} voice  
and he says "_sure"_  
and looks as though he wants to sink through the g_r_o_u_n_d  
but then Dominique is there again  
and says  
"Scorpius, what have you done?"

And you remember those months when you two [you & she] were together  
and smile at her  
because she let you be {quiet}  
and she didn't want any explanations  
when you broke up  
explanations that you didn't have  
or at least couldn't form into words  
because you were rather {quiet}  
_Weren't you?_

She continues  
pulling you out of those remembrances  
"You can't just walk into  
poor Lysander like that"

And you stutter  
try to say _something  
_But I didn't, it wasn't my fault  
_Dominique, I swear, it was you who pushed him  
_but you aren't saying **anything** of this_  
_and you see how Lysander tries to say something too_  
_but he's as {quiet} as you_  
_and your eyes meet over Dominique's_  
_*sparkling* talk_  
_and his glitter a bit_  
_when he smiles shyly at you

It's comfortable_  
_Lysander**&&**_you_  
you fit pretty well together_  
_he's TaLLer than you_  
_and you're blonder than him_  
_but neither of you need to fill the {silence}_  
_with endless cHaTteR

(that way Albus does_  
_that cHaTteR that you love listening to)

and he isn't making you stay up_  
_for waaaay too long_  
_to talk about tomorrow_  
_because Lysander takes one day at a time_  
_and prefers just lying with you in bed_  
_and listening to your breaths

(but you catch yourself_  
_when you're in your own dorm_  
_realizing that you miss hearing Albus talking into_  
_the early hours_  
_…you hadn't realized he had stopped doing it)

In your brain_  
_you ask him _why?  
What has changed?  
_why he doesn't speak to you anymore_  
_  
_Is it because I'm gay and you feel upset that I didn't tell you?__  
_(because then I'm sorry for not telling)

_Is it because I'm gay and you think I'm a fucking faggot who should die?__  
_(because then I might very well go and die)

_Is it because you're jeal—__  
_  
No, that's the **one thing** you don't want to speak_  
_not even in your mind_  
_because then you might start to h.o.p.e

So you just keep on being {quiet}_  
_and holding Lysander's hand_  
_[tighter whenever you feel particularly as though_  
_the {silence} from Albus_  
who's supposed to be LOUD  
_is drowning you]

You voice your inquiries to Ly_  
_even though it feels weird_  
_creating words from _something  
_so f-r-a-g-i-l-e that you're afraid that it will_  
_blow away and into nothing_  
_if you're not _careful_ enough

He nods slowly while you speak_  
_and holds your hand with his thumb_  
_resting in that place between your thumb and your index finger_  
_where your skin is extra ssofft

He says_  
"_When I was little_  
_and had a fight with Lorcan_  
_Mum used to remind me of all the other times I had fought with him_  
_and said _this, too, shall pass_"

His fingers keep tracing your skin  
and you suddenly DON'T WANT THEM THERE  
they are TOO soft  
his fingers TOO slender

"Just think of another fight you've had with Al"  
you nod in silence and keep all the words  
inside you  
_as usual_

No, no, it has never **ever **been like this before  
It's something else  
something _new_  
this won't pass  
_  
We might have fought, Albus and I  
But he has never __**ever **__been quiet_

He should be SHOUTING at you_  
_if he's m!a!d

He should be p-u-s-h-i-n-g you into a wall_  
_if he's a!n!g!r!y

Because that's what Albus does_  
_he isn't the avoiding type

So you decide to talk_  
_yes: TALK  
to him  
yes: TO HIM

you find him by the Black Lake_  
_just as Rose said_  
_and you said to Ly that you needed to be _alone  
_and you don't want to think about Ly_  
_because blonde, tangled, long hair_  
_and light blue eyes_  
_and tanned skin_  
_are the opposite of black hair_  
_and *emerald* eyes_  
_and _skin that you want to feel against yours_

you wait for him to notice you_  
_he's supposed to greet you_  
_**not** the other way around_  
_but the lake is burning beneath his eyes_  
_that's how hard he stares at it

_hey _you say_  
_clearing your throat and repeating yourself_  
_he grumbles something that could resemble a _hi  
_and keeps counting the waves from the look of it_  
_in your mind, sentences ffllyy around_  
_but **none** of them fit_  
_so you sit down {quietly}

Albus moves a bit_  
_and you think _yes, that's the Al I know  
_**impatient**_  
_and you're sure he'll speak now_  
_and that it all will go back to normal  
it HAS to_  
_but he says nothing

he's waiting for _you  
_you know it_  
_it's _your_ turn_  
_to take the plunge

"Albus, what did I do?_  
_When did it go wrong?"

You say it with a steady voice_  
_and maybe for once_  
_you've defeated the {silence} that _is_ you

He turns around_  
_apparently you aren't the only one_  
_surprised over yourself and the sound_  
_of **your** voice

"Lysander?" he asks_  
_you don't know what he means_  
_if he means _Or was it Lorcan?  
_(because once I mistook Lorcan for Ly, don't tell)_  
_if he means _Why did you pick Lysander of all people?  
_(because I didn't, it just happened)_  
_if he means _Are you still with Lysander?  
_(because I am but it doesn't matter, I don't want to)_  
_if he means _Is Lysander really better than me?  
_(because no, Albus, no, no one is)

"What?" you ask

He says "Don't"

You don't know what he means so_  
_you slip back into the **safety** that's {silence}_  
_and wait for him to explain_  
_but he doesn'the stands up in one a!n!g!r!y movement_  
_and looks at you_  
_that way that is so _him  
_but yet you've never seen him like this_  
before_

His eyes are burning, desperate_  
"_Scorpius,_  
_you have to tell me_  
_this one time_  
_you can't be silent_  
_you can't wait for me to figure it out_  
_myself  
because I can't"

The words are j-a-g-g-e-d and the consonants r.u.s.t.y  
and you think of how sounds can be so different  
ssllooww and -quick-  
HARD and (soft)  
t'h'i'n and T_H_I_C_K

"Scorpius, say it  
tell me  
why and when  
I thought there was something  
I thought"

He sits down again

"I thought it began, that it was the start  
I was sure  
but then you and Scamander…"

You don't really hear him  
and yet you **do**  
you want to answer _but I didn't know_  
you want to SHOUT _I'm sorry_  
but you just shake your head  
and are {silent}

He hugs his knees to his body  
and the {silence} is there  
_what should you say  
to make it right?_

Ly is w-a-i-t-i-n-g for you  
and Albus is ho.p.i.n.g for you

and you are {quiet}  
and the Black Lake is more than inviting

"Can you speak German?"  
you ask

It's easy to say _that_ because it's not  
I love you  
or  
I'm sorry  
it's just a _question_

Albus looks strangely at you  
_of course_  
and shakes his head  
saying  
"Can you speak French?"

You shake your head, too  
"Maybe we don't always speak the same language"

"Maybe we don't—  
could we please try and do it now?"

You nod slowly and he smiles at you  
you want to tell him of the *fireworks*  
but you're not quite ready for that  
so you say  
"I think I have a boyfriend I need to break up with"  
and he giggles  
and you feel a bit awful when you LaUgH as well  
you feel very awful  
_but it's Albus_  
and he's giggling and grabbing your hand  
and to be honest this is so much better  
_because it's what you've always wanted_  
even though you're awful for thinking so

But it's still ALBUS.


End file.
